


Decisions

by Scentedsong



Series: Decisions [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Established Relationship, F/M, Family Feels, Forced Relationship, Frustration, Marriage Proposal, Minor Character Death, Modern Era, Reader is an Idiot, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:42:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26483608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scentedsong/pseuds/Scentedsong
Summary: Modern AU“Don’t you understand?” He screams, running his hands through his hair in anger “I love you, I freaking love only you”A single tear falls down your eye as you shake your head“Sometimes you need to make sacrifices for your love”“What you are asking of me makes me sacrifice my love”A sudden unexpected loss compels you make a decision that stands to ruin everything to built with Bucky.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers
Series: Decisions [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925347
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Chapter 1

You snuggle further into the warmth of his chest as he traces random patterns on your bare back with his fingers. The sigh of content that leaves his lips encourages a curve to make home on your lips.

“You are beautiful” he says, bending his head down sideways to look at you, entangled in his arms

You shift a little, trying to hide the flustered look you know your face has taken but he is having none of that as he moves to take up your chin in between his index finger and thumb

“Hey” he smiles that dazzling smile that has your heart a fluttering mess

“Hi” you shyly smile back

“I love how flustered and tired you are right now”

You swat him in the chest playfully and he lets out a groan

“Hey!” He massages the area you hit him on, glaring at you playfully “seems the feisty one is back”

“She was never gone” You say, moving to sit up on the bed with your back against the headboard, a smile never leaving your lips “I was just content but you of course ruined it”

He sighs in mock dejection before moving closer to you and pulling you up on his lap, your back to his chest and his back resting against the headboard

“How do I keep you like that?”

“Well not opening your stupid mouth for once can help” you tease and he lets out a laugh

“Well, then how will I do this” he says moving his hands to turn your face towards him and engulfing your mouth in a heavy make out session

You let out a moan as he moves to place wet kisses along your jaw, cheek, everywhere he an reach from his position

“Bucky” you whisper as he traces a mark he left on your shoulder with his tongue and he just smiles, placing a last kiss on that spot before moving back to lay his head on the top on the head board

“Still want me to keep my mouth closed doll?” He asks and you shake your head

“Maybe don’t speak then” you laugh as he tightens his arms around you

“That will help me with a lot in various sectors on my life, not gonna lie baby”

You nod your head and move to lay your head on his shoulder “Would definitely help to keep me content a little longer”

He moves his had away from where it was running over the delicate plains of your stomach to take hold of the pillow on your side of the bed to place it behind him above the pillow supporting the lower half of his back, then bringing his hand back on your skin to restart its ministrations

“On second thought, I like my feisty Y/n just as much if not more”

“Hmmm” you hum with a pat on his hand that rests just below your breast “Correct answer”

You two sit there, wrapped around the feel of each other and the bliss before he speaks up

“Marry me”

Your heart skips a beat as you immediately open your eyes that widen in shock

“What-”

“Marry me” he says again and then moves you so that you face him, still on his lap, with your legs stranding him “I know we’ve not been dating long and I know it seems too soon but Y/n doll, I look at you sitting on my lap, my arms around you and there is nothing else I wanna do. I imagine the rest of my life and there you are, everywhere, every decision that I have made these past months have been with you in mind and I can’t wait for the threshold set up by society on when it is right to get married, I wanna do it now please, Marry me”

He holds your face between both his hands and stares deep into your eyes. His deep blue orbs shine with intensity and you feel your heart accelerating its speed.

You open your mouth to say something but words seem to betray as no sound comes out. You close your mouth and try to speak again and when that attempt fails you just grab his face and crash your lips against his.

He moans before moving his hands to your waist as you wrap your arms around his neck.

The kiss is noisy, its messy with both your tears spilling down your faces, your bodies an entanglement of limbs. Moments, maybe days pass by before necessity of breathing compels you to pull away.

He looks at you, moving his hands to wipe off your tears with the base of his palm and gives you a small smile

“Is that a yes?” He asks, moving a string of hair that had come to rest on your cheek behind your ear

You vigorously nod your head before pulling his lips back for another kiss.

He laughs against your lips as he moves his hands to your waist and kisses you back before pulling away

“Wow wow hang on doll” he laughs as you dive for another one “I need a verbal confirmation”

You look at him with irritation before opening your mouth and again finding yourself at loss of words

He looks at your open mouth hopefully but you stay still, stuck in your position, words not leaving your mouth

“Come on baby” he encourages “I gotta hear it, come on say it”

“I-I”

“Its just one word”

You nod your head

“Aa– aa”

“Seriously?” He whines “just say yes”

“I-I”

“Yes doesn’t even starts from an I” He whines pulling away from you and moving you to sit besides him rather than on top of him “Now I know you’re just teasing me”

He moves to the edge of the bed and goes on to pull on his sweat pants and before he can reach for his shirt you quickly jump on his back

“Yes” you place a kiss on the side of his forehead, wrapping your arms around his neck from behind

A smile graces his features that you can see through the mirror in front of you

“Say that again”

“Yes”

He turns to face you, untangling your arms from around him

“Again”

“Yes”

His hands trace a path over your body starting from your lower back and sliding all the way to the back of your neck

“Again”

“Yes James I will Marry you”

And that is it, he takes your lips completely to himself, relishing in your love

Before you can proceed any further though, your phone on the side table rings

“Ignore” Bucky says through a kiss, his hands travelling south

“Its my Nat designated ringtone” You say as you try to pull away “You know she would get suspicious”

“Well now she has to know seeing as we are gonna be Man and Wife”

“James please”

“Fine but be fast okay” he says “I just got engaged and I gotta celebrate”

You grin at him before you pick up your phone. The grin slowly fades to a frown as the person on the other side continues speaking. When the call is over and the phone slips down your hands there is not much you can do than look at Bucky in shock

“There was an accident” a tear slips down your eyes as Bucky moves to pull you close “Mr. Romanoff, he is injured. We gotta go”.

———

You push your way through the hospital corridors, your attention solely on Nat and reaching her. Nat has always been really close to her father and you know this must be killing her and you need to be there with her.

As you reach the reception area, Bucky moves ahead to inquire before a tall, broad figure makes his way towards you guys.

"Steve!” You call running to him and wrapping your arms around him “how is he?”

He shakes his head, eyes shinning

“Its bad”

You move your hand to cover your mouth as a sob breaks through. Bucky moves towards you and pulls you into his arms as you try to control yourself. Your face is pressed against his chest with his hand soothingly rubbing up and down your back.

He kisses the top of your head before looking at Steve

“Define bad”

Steve shakes his head dejectedly.

“They asked us to say our goodbyes” another sob breaks out of you at that and even Bucky looks up at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears that start to form “Nat is there with him right now, I left to give them some time together. He’s barely conscious”

At the mention of your best friend, you quickly pull away from Bucky, taking a deep breath and wiping your face off the tears vigorously

“I need to be with Nat” you say with determination “she acts all brave but she needs us, she needs me”

Your voice breaks at the last sentence and you quickly try to control it as Bucky places his hand on your shoulder trying to reassure you and you nod, not looking at him lest you cry again

Steve nods his head before turning back towards the ICU and you follow, your hand tightly held in Bucky’s

When you reach outside the hospital room, Steve stops you and looks at your intervened hands

“You might not want her to find out like this”

You look at Steve in confusion before he nods at your hands and you quickly pull it away, not noticing the hurt in Bucky’s eyes

“You-you” You stutter and Steve shakes his head

“I know everything this punk does” he says “even when he thinks he could hide it from me”.

You nod, not caring about anything other than the well being of your friend and being there for her while trying to hold yourself together as you loose a man that has been like a father figure to you

Turning around back to give Bucky a glance, you can see how hard he tries to conceal the pain he feels too.

Mr. Romanoff has been one of the nicest Men you had met in your entire life and has always been there for all four of you whenever needed. He raised his 7-year old alone after his wife lost her life to cancer. He was the one that helped arrange for your parents’ funeral when they died in that accident and gave you a home to come to during holidays. He helped Bucky when he was too scared to call his parents when he crashed his father’s car. He was there when Steve needed someone to guide him through the shaky paths that his career took. His presence has been an important part of all of your lives.

You squeeze Bucky’s hand before releasing it and pushing the door open. Nat who has been holding her father’s arm turns her head and looks towards you.

Dark black steaks of mascara runs down her eyes that seem to match her auburn hair, red-rimmed from crying. Her lips quiver as she tries to control her breathing.

The moment she sees you though, she breaks down completely and you feel yourself loosing it too as tears run down your face.

“Oh Nat” you run towards her and throw your arms around her. She stands up and hugs you back with one arm, the other still holding onto her dad as she fears letting go. She sobs and she sobs and this is the first time you see her so broken and beyond herself.

“I can’t do this Y/n” she whispers and you don’t know what to say to her. What can you say? And so you rub her back and let her cry on your shoulder.

“You have me, you will always have me. I will be there with your through all of this” you whisper trying to calm her down

You pull away to look at Mr. Romanoff, laying in the hospital bed with countless wires running through his body.

He gives you a small smile through his oxygen mask and you know it pains him to do so. You put your hand on Nat’s shoulder who has taken her seat besides his bed, both her hands enclosing her father’s hand.

You nod at him, letting him know you would take care of her and he closes his eyes for a beat before looking at you again and you know he is thanking you.

Bucky and Steve move ahead towards the bed and have their own silent conversations with him before a nurse produces chairs for all of you to sit down around him.

Steve whispers something about his talk to the doctors but your mind is too foggy to understand a word he says so you just shake your head.

Mr. Romanoff moves his hand out of his daughters before moving it to place it on her cheek and wiping away the tears, shaking his head.

He then places his hand on his oxygen mask and goes to remove it and you all almost scream, scrambling to stop him but he holds his other arm out as if in a stop motion and you all obey

“My-My Nat- Natalia” He says, his voice completely hoarse and its evident he has problem in getting words out but you know he needs to say them before he goes so you let him

“Natalia” he says again, caressing her cheeks “I love you, you-” he coughs and Steve moves to place the oxygen mask back on his mouth and he breathes for a while before placing his hand on Steve’s and shifting the mask aside

“You live how- how-” cough “ever you…. want”

A sob rips out of Nat’s mouth and Bucky moves from behind you to behind her and hugs her from behind. She holds onto his strong arms as she closes her eyes and nods at her father

“I love you” she whispers and he nods his head, looking at her and Bucky as Steve places the mask back on his face before Mr. Romanoff signs that he wants to speak more and Steve shifts it aside

He looks at Steve, then you and then fixes his gaze on Bucky “I know she won’t be alone” and you nod through your tears, reassuringly

“She-she won’t” you say, trying to keep your voice straight

“We will take care of her Mr. Romanoff” Steve says resolutely

Bucky nods his head too, maintaining eye contact with Nat’s father

“You are a nice man James” he says through a cough “I-I know you will keep her happy”

Bucky nods his head resolutely

“I will”

“I-I give her hand to you then” he says, voice hoarse “Give her all the love you have”

Bucky’s eyebrows furrow in confusion as Mr. Romanoff coughs again and Steve places the mask back on, confused himself.

You look at Bucky with wide eyes to find him looking back at you, shaking his head

“Dad?” Nat says through another sob, questioningly and her father just shakes his head taking her both hands and motioning for Bucky to come close and places them in his hands, nodding his head.

“You-you?” Nat stutters

“You want them to get married” you say with wide eyes, looking at the man on the bed as he takes his daughters hand in his and asks her to sing for him.

As Nat sings a last song for her father through her tears, you and Bucky look at each other, not knowing what to say or do.

——————

“You marry her”

“Are you crazy?? I can’t do that”

“Why not”

“Because I love you”

You shake your head, tears clouding your vision

“Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for your love”

“What you are asking of me makes me sacrifice my love” Bucky pulls on the ends of his hair as he tries to come closer to you and you take a step back “Y/n please don’t do this. We will find some kind of solution to this”

You shake your head

“No Bucky, we can’t”

“Why?”

“Because Nat is my friend, my sister and I will not deceive her. We have told her enough lies already. This ends now”

The typical Boy teases girl, girl hates boy and the drama in between. That was the relationship you had with Bucky. Ever since high school when Nat would get along with everyone and you were the recluse. Every single person in your small town knew you don’t get along with Bucky, yet you tolerated him and him you because of both of your friendships with Steve and Natasha.

Somewhere along the line the everyday banter between the two of you changed into thin thin tension. The air between the the two of you thin enough to be cut by a knife and with that knife did you cut the tension. Several intense nights and indefinite talking sessions later you realized you had feelings for each other and decided to give the relationship thing a try. A secret from your friends that Steve eventually found out but somewhere you could never find the right moment to tell Nat.

“And you make that decision?” He huffs in anger crossing his arms

“Bucky please” you shakily whisper, trying to hold back the tears that threaten escape “Nat just lost everything, I can’t- We can’t do this to her”

“Y/n” he takes several quick steps forward to engulf you in his arms “I love you”

Several more salty streams make their way through your face and you take a deep breath trying to control your breathing.

You shake your head, bringing your hands to Bucky’s shoulders and pushing him away

“Nat likes you” you say “She always has. It was just me that thought she was over it when she started dating other guys. It was my heart that wanted you so badly that it made me believe that by being with you I was not betraying Nat. That is why I could never tell her about us”

“Y/n-” you raise a hand to stop him from speaking any further, crossing your arms and taking a step back

“I saw it in her eyes. The way she looked at you. The way she always did but I just convinced myself it was not that but I can’t do that anymore”

“Why not?” he whispers before huffing in frustration, pulling at his hair “Why do you have to be the one to let go of me? Why can’t she do that”

“Because she loved you first” you look up towards the roof of the dark, dingy room you found for yourself in the hospital, trying to persuade the tears to stay where they are, to not escape. At least not where he could see, where he was close enough to take you in his arms.

You beg those tears to wait for the moments in secrecy where you can let them out to freedom. Open up and let those sobs take over you.

“I am not a toy” he is angry now. Very very angry. Furious. “You don’t get to decide this- this stupid who loved me first bullshit. Who I should or should not be with. You don’t. Its my choice and that is you”

You shake your head 

“Bucky, give her a chance, I’m sure you would come to love her just like you did with me”

“Is this a game to you” Bucky lets out a dry, humorless laugh before shaking his head, his teeth dangerously grinding together making his immense anger apparent “You know what? You want me to give her a chance? You think its easy to just let go of the one you love and to latch onto another? Then maybe I will do that”

He grinds his teeth and you close your eyes. Loss was something you were all too familiar with. But this? This was something else. This was giving up everything you didn’t know you wanted with the knowledge that you are the one that ruined it. 

“But why am I the only one who has to do this huh?” He questions and venom drips from his voice as he takes hold of your shoulders and forces you to look at him “Why do I have to be with someone else while you get to walk away? No that is not how this is going to work”

He shakes his head, bringing his hand in front of your face to place a string of your hair that had fallen on your face to behind your ear as he whispers

“I promise you my love, For you and only for the love I have for you, I will do it. I will take Nat on a date, several dates, I will try to give her a little ounce of the love that my heart has after it was conquered by you and I will spend my life with her if that’s where it goes.”

You sigh in relief and try to thank him but he places an index finger to your lips

“Only when you do the same. When you find someone to love, when you have to do everything that I have to”

“Bucky-”

He raises an eyebrow at you

“You can’t do that can you now?”

His smile is mocking, its knowing, knowing he has you, knowing you couldn’t do that, calling you out on your hypocrisy. His eyes shine and you feel yourself going closer and closer before Nat’s face, her eyes, her tear stained face appears in your vision, her father’s last wishes.

“Deal” you say nodding your head and raising your hand, offering it for a shake to seal the deal

Bucky looks at you with shock and confusion, not having expected you to agree and reluctantly lets you shake his as he stares at your hands joined together.

The last connection you believe you’ll have with him.

————–

“This is so stupid”

“Steve please”

“I am not getting into whatever this stupid deal you have with Bucky”

“Steve just think about it”

“No”

“Steve”

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“I want you to be my man”

He looks at you completely bewildered

“Are you crazy? I don’t see you like that”

You nod your head

“I know and that is why” you smile “This is every man’s dream”

“To date a woman who is like a sister to him?” He asks “Sorry to break it to you sweetie but you have Men all wrong”

“No you idiot” you hit the back of his head “I can be used to chase off all the girl that just don’t leave in the morning, like How I met your mother style”

“That is not every man’s dream” he sighs

“Details details” you wave him off “so what do you say”

“No”

“Oh come on”

“Bucky is my best friend I’m not doing this to him” he sighs “and what you are doing y/n, you have to know how stupid this is right?”

You ignore his question

“You are the only man I trust”

“You trust another one, if only you were not actively ruining so many lives”

“Please”

“Bucky is my brother”

“I thought he was your best friend?”

“He is my everything”

“You sure you are not just saying no to me because you have feelings for him?”

“Whatever you wanna think” He rolls his eyes “And I already have a wife”

“Details” you glare at him and he sighs

————-

“I have been so lost these days” Nat sighs as she sits on a chair sipping on her coffee “I know I need to move on, its been what?”

“2 months” you nod your head moving to place your hand on hers “Its okay to wanna grieve”

She gives you a small smile

“Thank you for being there for me Y/n” she moves forward in her chair “You have always been my biggest support system”

You smile at her, tears clouding your vision

“You have been there for me Nat, when I lost everything you were there, you helped me cope up with my parent’s death, you helped me not become homeless and gave me a room in your apartment even though I couldn’t pay my half of the rent, you helped me get the loan to finish my college education, every time you have been there for me, its time I pay you back”

When Nat shakes her head and gives you a little teary eyed smile before taking you in a small hug, while you both keep sitting on your chairs, she has no idea how much you mean what you say.

“I think I’m gonna go ahead and ask Bucky out” Nat says when you both break out of the hug “I think it was obvious how much I like him, I mean even dad noticed and he would have wanted this for me”

Ignoring the pain, the needles that suddenly pierce through your heart you force your lips into a small smile

“That is great Nat” you say quietly, she does not notice the hurt in your voice in all her excitement

“I mean he likes me too right” she says more than asks and you just try to avoid eye contact

Bucky holding your hand under the table when out with friends for dinner.

Bucky pulling you aside in the janitor’s closet of the store just to steal some kisses

Bucky trying to stay quiet as your hands roam around him during movie nights.

“Doll”

“My love”

“Darling”

Words in his voice. Little specks of moments in the darkness of the night, in broad daylight, the smell of wood and leather and his strong cologne.

Its all that surrounds you and you have to close your eyes.

“We have been friends for so long and I think maybe he would say yes, wouldn’t he Y/n?”

The shake on your shoulder brings you back in the world. The feeling unwelcome. The presence in reality painful as you turn to her with a smile and nod your head, words feeling foreign to you.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, fine” You shake your head, trying and failing to throw out the memories that plague your brain “I just- I’m so happy for you Nat, its time you move ahead in life”

You give her the biggest smile you can master and she smiles back

“Me too” She joins her hands together “I have decided to cease every moment from now on. I’m done being sad. This is what dad would want. I’m gonna ask him myself”

You just nod looking over at the setting sun hidden behind the tall buildings in front of your New York city apartment.

——————-

“Can I get some water?” Bucky asks Nat and she shifts in her chair to get up

“Get it yourself” you say from your place, knowing full well what he wanted to do. He turns to look at you and his eyes shine with intensity, forcing you to look away.

“Its okay Y/n” Nat places a hand on your shoulder before getting up “He just got here, he must be tired. I will get you some water”

Bucky nods at her thankfully and she leaves thinking your comment to be the regular fights you have with Bucky.

Bucky moves towards you and you purposely avoid eye-contact. He bends down to sit in front of your chair.

“Listen Y/n” Bucky starts to say but you just shake your head

“Bucky please”

“Love I can’t” he whispers and a tear falls down your eye “Please stop avoiding me. My mind is going crazy, nothing makes sense, all I see is you, the future you said yes to”

“Bucky that was-”

He shakes his head taking your hands in his and you are now forced to look at his shining eyes.

But before either of you can say anything a voice calls about from behind you

“Here is your-” Natasha starts but the moment her eyes land on your tear stricken face, concern washes over hers “Y/n what’s wrong?”

She quickly makes her way to you and Bucky wipes away his tears, his back to her. She sits down besides Bucky taking your hands away from his

“What is it Y/n?” She questions and you try to give her a smile as you shake your head but before you can say any further, Bucky interrupts you.

“Nat I wanted to talk to you about something” he gives you a look before turning back towards her with purpose

“What is it Bucky?”

“I said yes to Sam” you quickly say before Bucky can even let out a word “I’m officially his girlfriend now”

Nat’s eyebrows shoot up to her hair as she blinks before turning back to you, clearly shocked. You don’t dare look at Bucky

“What?”

“He’s exactly the kind of guy for me” you nod your head and you can feel Bucky’s gaze burning on your face but you refuse to look his way lest you break down “He’s everything I have ever wanted in a guy”

Nat nods her head, furrowing her eyebrows

“Yeah, I know that and I have been telling you that for the past few months but you always said no”

You nod your head

“I didn’t think I was ready” you say, more like whisper “Now I am”

“Oh my god Y/n” she laughs, clapping her hands together “This is great, he would be so happy”

You smile at her as she goes on about calling Sam before something catches her attention

“But why were you crying?” she asks you confused and then she turns to Bucky “And what did you want to talk to me about?”

Bucky’s gaze still burns on your face and you close your eyes for a second before opening them again and finally, finally turning to look his way

His ocean eyes sparkle with remnants of tears he wiped away and new ones that threaten to escape.His eyes hold pain, pain and hurt. He stares in your eyes and they seem to resign when you refuse to budge and so closing his eyes, he turns back to Nat

“I was just asking Y/n’s permission and she got too happy, those are happy tears”

His jaw clenches as he looks at your way again and now he is angry, really really angry

“Permission?” Nat asks confused

“To ask you out, she is your best friend, and we all know how she likes to make all the decisions”

Bucky spits out the last line venomously, looking at you again and you flinch from the anger in his eyes.

“Oh my god really?” Nat laughs and hugs Bucky from the side “Yes I would go out with you”

She seems to miss the silent interaction that Bucky and you have with your eyes. Neither does she see the anger in his eyes as he pulls away and gives her a smile

“I’m gonna call Sam. This is amazing. We can go on double dates. We will call Steve too. Don’t wanna leave him alone” She babbles on as she stands up, typing on her phone, missing as Bucky leans over to you and whispers in your ear

“This what you want my love” he whispers harshly “this what you get”

And then he is up and gone, leaving you behind with a heavy heart and endless tears.

—————-

The next month or so has been the worst of your life.

Bucky keeps his promise of staying with Nat but with an anger that is always directed at you. He tries, tries to be the best support he can be your her. But you realized soon enough the anger that had penetrated deep within him was completely directed at you.

You see a side of Bucky, you never knew even existed. A side that you never thought would be directed at you, even during the times when you two absolutely did not get along. The side he shows for vengeance.

All the dates he takes Nat on, all the places they visit. The ones he promised you he would take you to. You knew what he was doing. You could see in his eyes when Nat would excitedly mention the mountain spot that was exclusive to the two of you until now.

Bucky still called you love. In whispers through noises, in between stolen moments of conversations, every time it was only the two of you this time do his words of affections were different.They were whispered through gritted teeth, clenched fists, every sigh that would keep his disdain for you apparent.

He would remind you who was responsible for the pain that he could clearly see you were in.

His eyes would shine and his jaw would tick in extreme anger that would take every thing he had in himself to hold back when Sam would hold your hand or press a light kiss on your forehead.

The aggressive kisses he would place on Nat’s lips while he clearly looked at you would make it clear what he was doing. Mocking you as if asking if that was what you want.

Everything hurt but all you could think about was Nat and her happiness and that would always stop you from taking any selfish decisions.

“Who would you chose?” Nat asks as he takes a sip of her wine.

You shake your head, jerking out of your mind and look at her

“What?”

“Oh I was asking Steve what he would chose? His girl or his friend?”

“For what?” You ask

“The drowning question, he has place for one person in the boat and Peggy and Bucky are drowning, who would he chose?” Nat answers

You turn to look at Steve who is shaking his head

“I would jump in the water and put them both on the boat” Steve says and Nat groans in irritation

“That’s not how this works” she says “You gotta chose”

Steve click his tongue, taking a large sip of his bear and shaking his head

“Nope, I can’t chose, I love both Bucky and Peggy too much”

If it were some other circumstance, some other day, earlier in life, you may have gone ahead and joked about him having romantic inclinations towards Bucky but even thinking about the man in questions who keeps staring at you whenever you are around as he drinks his bear is heart wrenching

“You can let me die” Bucky says, his voice hoarse “I don’t care for it”

And you have to close your eyes as the words leave his mouth. The laughing, joking Bucky gone with the wind like the yellow leaf.

Steve stares at Bucky before he looks at you but your eyes remain closed

Nat is the only one unable to read the air around the room. She has always been simple like that.

“What about you Buck?” she asks excitedly “Who would you save Me or Y/n? I know Steve is gonna give you the pass so he is not an option” she shoots Steve a look before turning back to him

Not even a second passes before the answer is on the tip of his mouth, uttered in a whisper

“My girl” he says and it feels like he talks directly to you and you can’t seem to look away “Always my girl”

The eye contact stays for moments that feel like years, decades, centuries before Nat laughs and claps her hands together

“Of course, I almost forgot you two do not get along that well” she says and that is enough to pull you out of the little world you had found yourself in along side Bucky “But you know what”

She entangles her hand in Bucky’s not noticing how he keeps staring your way

“I give you full permission to save my best friend, if its between me and her, you choose her”

She smiles at you and you give a smile back before Bucky abruptly stands up.

“I need to-” he points towards inside somewhere and almost sprints away. Steve getting up after him and following.

————-

You watch the seat that Bucky left, with a heavy heart. You could see it. As clear as the crystal in the shining tiara, as the reflection of a clear lake, like the shine of the moon in the dark sky.

He was hurt, heart broken and no one was to blame but you.

You had noticed. Of course you did. The way his jaw would tick every single time you said Sam’s name, the way he would stare in your eyes from above Nat’s head as he held her into his arms.

Every move, every action, every word, every reaction that came out of Bucky was something that was directed towards you.

He would say sentences that no one would understand but you, little references to shows you watched together, sly remarks about how you always wanted to control everything like he did previously and the worst of all his eyes.

His ocean eyes. The ones that go deep and deep in intensity, that hold the power to shred your heart in pieces, then to stick them back together only to rip them apart.

Those eyes, ones as clear as the sky, ones that would shine when he wore that pink shirt you had bought, ones that seldom left your form when the two of you were in the same room.

You couldn’t hide it. The pain you felt. The tug at your heart when he would talk about taking Nat to places he promised you he would go with you to. The plan to climb the empire state building stairs that the two of you were gonna do someday, the little spot near the Hudson where only the two of you went for alone time.

He was mocking you, showing you, punishing you with the things, trying to get you to see what he wanted you to. Trying to convince you of his undying love and the stupidity of your decision.

Little whispers of I love you’s in stolen moments of time, him calling you love whenever he knew no one else was noticing. It was a game he was playing and you knew it. But you couldn’t let him stop. Every moment that you thought you should, Nat’s face, the images of her going into depression, of her hating you would stop you from taking the thing you wanted the most.

Sam obviously saw it. It was only Nat that was oblivious, and after talking to you about it he knew it was true.

He had told you what you were doing was not the right way but you had brushed him off. He had held you in his arms for moments that were countable but became countless to the two of you as he laughed about missing his chance

“You are an amazing woman Y/n” he had said “But alas that dumbass is a very lucky man. Don’t let your love get away Y/n, not if you can fight for them, I can’t but you can”

Sam’s words ring in your ears. The words that you had shrugged of when Sam departed from you life. Nat was before any other man. Nat was above all.

But right now. Right now as you look at Bucky walking away. At the dejected look on Nat’s face when he does. It hits you.

You can’t do this. You can’t do this. You love him. He loves you. What the hell is wrong with you.

Don’t let your love get away Y/n

“What is wrong with you two. That’s not friendship”

You are broken from your internal turmoil by Nat’s words and you look up, your brows knit together to find her sipping in front the discarded bottle of bear Bucky left on the table.

“You and Bucky” Nat says, sighing “That’s not friendship, and definitely not enemy ship”

“Nat” you whisper as a lone tear falls down your left eye

“Its your lips” She says and you blankly stare at her “You lower lip wobbles and your mouth goes dry and so you drink a lot of water or what ever drink is available”

“What-”

“Its your tell, for when you lie, when you are nervous. Has been since we have been children”

“Nat I don’t-”

“I was lost Y/n” she moves ahead in her seat and shifts closer to you “When my father died and practically gave me to Bucky it was like I had to have him. I had to fulfill my father’s wish. I liked him, yes I did. My father knew it too, I think somewhere he thought there was something going on between us and so in his last frantic moments he decided to give his daughter his blessings so she wasn’t alone”

Tears stream down her eyes as she closes them, you try to say something to her but she holds up a finger in front of your face,

“I was afraid, afraid to be alone and so I decided I wanted to be with Bucky, that is what my father wanted right? All I could see was that. The fear that I was all alone and when he asked me out, all I could think was this is perfect. I have known Bucky for so long, he can be my safety net.

I never truly realized until a while back how unromantic his proposal was. How every trip, every moment with him was distant. I lived in my bubble, I was not alone, I didn’t realize it until I found a ring”

She wipes away a tear that runs down your cheek as she takes in a deep breath

“You know his mother’s ring? The one he was gonna give to the girl who was the one? It was there in his drawer with a reciept of re sizing it and I thought he was gonna propose.”

You let out a sob as she holds your hand and continues

“I was shocked, we were only dating 2 months, he won’t even sleep with me and bow he was gonna propose. I suddenly realized I didn’t want this that this was wrong but I still tried to wear the ring, curiosity you know and you know what happened?”

She asks and you shake your head even though you can guess what did happen

“It didn’t fit and I realized what a part of me always saw and brushed under the rug. He loved another. And looking back I realized I may know who that another was”

“Nat I’m sorry” you sob “I’m so so sorry”

“For loving the man you were always gonna end up loving” She laughs through her tears “Y/n, you two always had this sexual tension between you it was gonna be so long till it would break”

“I’m so so sorry Nat” You whispers as sobs take over you “I’m sorry”

“What for?” She shakes her head “For loving an amazing and having him love you back?”

You shake your head and try to let out words but she interrupts

“You don’t need to apologize for your feelings, I know you think I like him and that by giving him to me you are gonna be helping me but Y/n-”

“I can’t do this Nat. I can’t” you sob “it hurts so so much. I can’t let him go”

“Then why are you?” She brings her hand yo your cheek “Why are you doing this? For me? You think I will be alone and lonely just because you chose to love a guy I have a mild crush on”

“Nat” you try to control your breathing as you narrow your eyes at her

“Y/n” she smiles “How am I gonna be alone when I’ve got you? How am I ever gonna be sad when I have you and oh my god! You were really doing all this for me?”

“I-I-”

“Shut up” She chastises and grits her teeth “I don’t need no fucking man to make me happy. Yes I lost my father and yes I lost my senses for a while because of my grief but were you really gonna do all this for me”

When you stay quiet she continues

“I knew you were stupid but I had hoped I could trust you to use your brains atleast for a a while when I was at a low point but alas it would only remain a dream”

You huff as Nat dramatically sighs

“How long?”

“What?”

“How long have you two been-”

“Nat-”

“I have nothing against you for loving the man that you love Honey. I will always love you more. You are my sister Y/n. That is for life”

“Nat-” you whisper as fresh tears fall down your face and she sighs and takes you in a hug

“Its just a crush. I’ll get over it and dad would understand” she cries as and you both hold each other for several moments that could not be counted.

In this moment. The little second belonging to countless ones, a relief runs its course through your blood. This was the moment you were afraid of the nightmare that haunts your dreams where Nat would realize how you betrayed her a leave your life.

As a person who had already lost so much of her family, you knew how important it was to have someone. To have family and that was the fear that governed every single decision you took these 2 months. The fear of losing Nat. The only real family you had left.

But as her words. The assurance and the words of your mother from time ago come to mind. You suddenly know what she meant when she said

“Family is forever”

“Now you gonna go get lover boy?” she pulls away and wipes the trail of tears off her cheek

“Natasha” you laugh and swat her hand that is poking your arm

“What? It was a curios question” she laughs “I mean dude’s been going crazy hasn’t he?”

You make a guilty face and nod your head

“He’s really angry with me”

“Of course he is” Nat rolls her eyes “You’ve been really stupid these past few months”

You look down at your hands intertwined together on your lap

“He proposed to me”

“What?”

“I said yes but then asked him to be with you after- you know?”

“Oh my god” She slaps the back of your head “You really are so so stupid. Why the hell are you even here. Go to him. Go. Beg him. Romance him Y/n go get your man!”

A small smile curves up your lips at mention of Bucky being your man. You know how silly it is but after months of it being a secret and then guilt, Nat finally calling him yours makes your heart flutter.

“I’m scared”

“Why?”

“He’s really angry”

“Then let him scream at you. Take out all his anger through words and then you can kiss him quiet when he is done and a little make up sex is always amazing”

“Nat-” you laugh along with her as she teases

“Go Y/n get your man”

You nod at her, shaking your head vigorously from side to side, pumping yourself up.

You can so this.

Bucky is yours.

You would apologize. Maybe some gifts, Lots of make up sex, lots of apologies and oh so many promises, ones you won’t break.

You can do this Y/n. You love him, he loves you. You’ve got this.

“I can do this” you say out loud and Nat nods her head, pointing to the door he left from

“Now go. Make lover boy the happiest guy in the world”

You stand up and move towards the door but before you can even take two steps in Steve emerges from there

“Y/n, Nat I need to talk to you both” he says seriously and you shake your head

“Later Steve” you try to get away but Steve blocks your way “I gotta talk to Bucky”

“Y/n its important”

“It would have to wait. I gotta talk to Bucky.”

“Y/n” he sighs “You can’t talk to Bucky”

“Why Steve” you growl, very irritated

“Because he’s gone Y/n. He left”

“What?”

“He left the city. Said he can’t do this anymore” He hands you a piece of paper “Told me to give this to You, its a letter. And here is one for you Nat. He says sorry”

Nat hesitantly takes the letter addressed.to her as she looks over at you in concern as tears start to freely fall down your cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

My love,

I would start by saying I’m sorry. I am really sorry that I am running away from fulfilling my side of the deal but after months of trying even if it was just to piss you off and in a way make you come back to me I have realized something. After having hated every thing that I loved about you, after hating myself for loving you like I do, I have realized something.

I have seen the power of unrequited love, I have watched it in the cheesy movies we watched together in the darkness of my living room couch. I have seen one person chase after their love who does not return their feelings until a single situation forces them to confront feelings that existed but they just couldn’t see. I have watched as at the end our protagonist takes his lover’s hand and rides off into the sunset. And somewhere, I have tried to do the same thing. I thought that making you jealous, pushing your decisions in your face, taking Nat to the places you wanted to go, do things with her that were ours, will give rise to the big realization on your part and you would come running into my arms.

But ours isn’t that love is it? Ours isn’t unrequited. I’m not the only one in love am I? For us as I now realize is that I have always loved you more. From the day I saw you steal fruits off Mrs. White’s tree to the day Nat finally introduced us and I accidentally spilled orange juice all over your pretty green flower dress, I have always inevitably been attracted to you and while you were not to me. While I watched you join the drama club and never missed a show that you were a part of, even the time when you became a tree in the background of some show I don’t remember because all my attention was caught by the tree trying and failing to keeps its branches straight, you were never pulled towards me like that. 

You didn’t run the short distance between us to jump into my arms when I returned from my short stint at the army.You didn’t miss my smile when I remembered home in the middle of a battle field. I did not join your mind alongside your family as the reason you held onto life after an explosion in your car. 

You did not spend sleepless nights wondering about what the hell was going on with you.

The problem never was that my love was not reciprocated, it was in fact reciprocated but the reciprocation was never strong enough. You never loved me as much as I did. You never felt the need to fight for me. And maybe I would have lived with it because I would have never understood what that even meant.

But now? Now I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can be near you and not see the love of my life, not loving me enough to want me no matter what. I can’t be with Nat. Not because I love you and it hurts to be with anyone else, which of course is a factor. But because I don’t think I can let myself love someone after realizing the harsh reality about reciprocation.

I can’t be the one to dive in nose deep and realize the other was just taking a dip. I can’t love someone because I have already drowned and I don’t think there is any saving left for me.

So I am done chasing you. I can’t do that to myself anymore. Don’t worry about Nat, I have instructed Steve to take her in with him and Peggy and help her heal from the pain I have inevitably caused her. Steve would do that for me.

For you my love, I do not blame you. Nat is your sister, she is your family and I know how important she is to you. But I hope you will understand why I did what I did. I hope someday when we meet again down the road, you will see why I couldn’t do it.

I’m gonna go stay with my Mother and Becca in Chicago for a while. Maybe find a job there, a new house? Start over.

I hope you find happiness in your life even if its with someone else. Us was just not meant to be.

Best wishes,

Your James.

———-

Tears freely fall down your eyes as you read the letter and sobs take over your lips.

Bucky left. You pushed him so much that he couldn’t take it anymore and he left. Left all the madness, all the pain. He left thinking that you never loved him enough, that you never felt the pull.

In your effort not to hurt your sister you had done something else. You had hurt the love of your life. Pushed him away, forced him to leave the city and start over.

You can’t blame him can you? After all it was all your fault-

“Will you stop it” Nat pinches the skin on your arm and you wince

“What?”

“I know the self hatred going on in your brain” She crumbles the letter Bucky wrote for her after having gone through its contents “We need to get to the airport as fast as we can”

“But Nat-”

“Shut up and get your phone. I’m driving you to the airport”

She runs towards the table you grab her car keys and cell phone as you stay glued to you position

“What is happening?” Steve looks around at the two of you, his eyebrows knit together

“We’re taking Y/n to the airport so she can propose to Bucky”

“What?” You and Steve ask at the same time and Nat rolls her eyes, ignoring Steve and turning towards you

“He already did his proposing, we can’t expect him to do it again when you are the one that said yes and then bailed. You gotta show him you are serious about him”

“Nat-”

“You wanna marry him or not?”

“Yes”

“Then you gotta propose and apologize” she pulls of her coat off the hanger and runs out the door before screaming behind her

“Y/n get your ass over here quick and Steve I will leave you behind if you don’t hurry”

You and Steve stare at each other before something in you snaps as you finally realize the situation you were in.

You grab your phone and coat and rush out the door, Steve following close behind, grabbing the house keys and running after the car, screaming for Nat to just wait for a second for him as she starts the car the moment you get in.

————–

“Wow. This is so exciting” Steve is typing on his phone in the back seat as Nat speeds through the traffic.

“Steve” you whine “Can you not. I’m really nervous”

“I’m sorry. Its just” Steve grins at you through the front mirror “Bucky has no idea what’s coming for him.”

“You think he’ll like it?” You ask biting your lips nervously

“Like it? He loves you Y/n. He’s gonna cry right in front of all those people. He’s been dying for you to come to your senses”

You wince as Steve goes on about how Bucky has been so depressed and irritated lately. How every time he opened his mouth which was very rare it was to curse you for stealing his heart, for doing whatever the hell you were doing to him.

Nat notices how uncomfortable you get as Steve goes on not realizing that he may be saying a little too much before Nat shoots him a look and he suddenly stops

“Oh no no” he tries to go for a save “No Y/n I didn’t mean it like that-”

“Stop”

“Thank you” he sighs in relief, looking at his phone “I’m gonna shut up now”

“That’s good” Nat says as she taps her hands on the steering wheel and waiting for the traffic to clear out “Who are you texting any way”

“Peggy” he replies, looking at her through the front mirror “She’s very invested in this story”

“What?” You look at him with your eyebrows knitted together

“Well she cares about Bucky too”

You nod your head and look ahead as the traffic stats to clear out and Nat takes the turn towards the airport.

“5 minutes out” she announces, trying really hard to stay within the speed limit

You take several deep breaths as you decide on the right course to take. Should you just get down on one knee and propose without a ring? Should you pull him aside and just talk to him? Should you run to him and just kiss him senseless?

The questions fly around in your head and maybe that is why you don’t realize when Nat pulls over in the airport parking area and shakes you by the shoulders to catch your attention.

“Y/n we’re here” she says and you look at her fearfully

“What am I gonna say to him?”

“Whatever is in your heart when you see him” She pats your shoulder in reassurance “Now come, lets move”

All three of you quickly make your way towards the main entrance of the airport before a thought pops up in your brain

“Wait, I need a ticket to get in”

“Okay, I will just get to the cheapest ticket” Nat says but before she can run to buy a ticket Steve stops her

“He may have already gone through the security check. The check-in closes in five minutes”

“Yeah so Y/n will check-in for her flight and meet him”

“No, you need to board the flight”

“What Steve are you really that stupid?”

“You think she will just show up and he won’t go to Chicago” Steve glares at Nat “If you don’t know, he is really angry. I think he would not listen to you and leave regardless. You need to get a seat on the plane right with him and convince him. And also its a huge airport, how long do you plan on looking around for him?”

“Steve is right” You nod your head “I need to go to Chicago with him”

Nat shakes her head as she sighs

“How the hell are we gonna procure a ticket to a flight 5 minutes before check-in is over?”

You take a deep breath and.close your eyes, trying to run the different scenarios through brain.

Maybe buying the cheap ticket to somewhere else is the best plan here? You would have to run as hell and find him and make him stay. Or you would have a follow him to Chicago on the next flight.

But how were you gonna find him in that city. Maybe Steve could give you his mother’s address and-

“Peggy got you a ticket”

Steve says, pulling you out of your thoughts

“What?”

“Peggy booked a ticket when we were in the car. Here.”

Your phone beeps and you pull it out to find a message from Steve and you look up at him

“Its the ticket” Steve says and then screams “NOW GO. WHY ARE YOU STANDING HERE”

You blink before taking Steve in a soul crashing hug and kiss his cheek.

“Thank you so so so much for marrying Peggy Steve. God I love her”

And then you pull away and dash towards the entrance missing Steve muttering something about thanking him for being a good friend too

“YOU GOT AN ID?” Nat screams after you and you pat your pocket, pulling out your driver’s license

Nat sighs, moving to stand closer to Steve as the two of them watch you show the ticket on your phone to the guard and darting inside the airport

“You think it will work?”

“I hope so”

———————–

You bend down to rest your hands on your knees as you try to catch your breath. Running and finishing the check-in just seconds before it closes really does good in increasing the adrenaline supply in your blood stream.

You take a glance at the clock on the airport wall and sigh, after collecting your boarding pass and going through the security check, you had just a little more then 20 minutes to boarding.

Finding Bucky in this huge airport did seem like a child’s play from the outside but now that you stand, looking at all the signs, even finding your gate seems like a chore.

You did forget the airports were the most stupidly complicated things in the world. You make a mental note to gift Peggy a very expensive birthday present for this. And also to thank Steve for bringing her in your life.

It takes you well over 10 minutes to understand where exactly was where you needed to go and another 10 before you do reach there and by that time, the flight is already linning passengers for boarding.

You look around, trying to locate your favorite mass of brown hair as the line starts moving forward.

And with your fast beating heart and cloudy vision, it was getting harder and harder to spot Bucky in the crowd, lining to board the plane. Seems like the plane was in full capacity.

You sigh. Why the fuck is everyone going to Chicago?

You move closer, deciding to joint he line yourself before the familiar beefy body catches your eye. Bucky stands at almost the front of the line with his shoulders slumped and a duffel back thrown over his shoulder. His eyes are in front of him and you just can’t stop yourself from screaming his name

“BUCKY!!” You scream and immediately bring your hands to cover your mouth. What the hell was wrong with you?

The entire airport including Bucky turn to look your way but you keep your eyes on him as his meet yours.

His ocean blues widen to the size of saucers and you just know the speck of green has become more prominent.

His eyebrows furrow and his face scrunches like he wants to say something before he shakes his head and keeps looking your way, still confused.

You try to action for him to come to you could talk and for a minute there it seems like he would run out of the line and just take you in his arms before the passenger behind him reminds him to either move forward or get out of the line which seems to lift up his daze as he shakes his head.

He moves ahead in the kine, showing his ticket to the man at the front and then he looks back at you as he enters the boarding bridge. He gives you one last look before he’s walking towards his flight.

—————-

You sit on your seat watching Bucky as he sits on the window seat of his row which is two ahead of yours on the side of the plane.

Your wishes to every god you could think off for a seat next to Bucky unfortunately did not come true. Its like even the gods know how horribly you screwed up and want you to do it all by yourself.

The moment the seat belt sign is off, you pull yours off and make your way towards Bucky’s seat, taking a deep breath.

“Umm Mam?” You ask the middle aged lady sitting on the middle seat of his row besides him

“Yes?” the woman pushes her specks closer to her eyes from where they had fallen to the bridge of her nose, her hair tied in a bun that rests on the base of her neck

“Umm would you mind if we trade places?” You ask, shooting her an apologetic look

She furrows her eyebrows together and looks over behind your back

“Which one?”

“The one there” you point at it “Its the corner seat, better than the middle one, am I right”

You try to laugh and she shoots you a suspicious look

“And why would you want to change places?” You sigh, taking a deep breath, trying to avoid eye contact with Bucky who now looks over at you in irritation, having pulled out his ear plugs but before you can answer the woman’s question Bucky interrupts

“Please please don’t trade places with her” he begs the woman and she turns to him “She’s been following me”

Your jaw touches the floor as you give Bucky a dirty look

“I’m not following you!”

“Then why do you want this seat?” Bucky glares back at you and you try to quell your anger. You are here to win him back, if he wants to call you a stalker then be it. At this point, with the amount of hurt you’ve caused him. He is allowed to call you whatever he wants. “Mam, if you want a good seat, I’ll trade places with you but please don’t let her sit besides me”

“James” you sigh

“That’s enough mam” the young man on the corner seat in Bucky’s row interrupts and with a jolt you realize that all the passengers were watching you and from the corner of your eye, you can make out the stewardess making her way towards you.

This is just great. You shoot a last glance at Bucky who looks away the moment your eyes meet

“Mam I would have to ask you to go back to your seat please” the stewardess calmly asks you and you close your eyes and nod your head 

“James, can we please talk”

You try one last time and when there is no reply from him, the lady besides him asks you to leave him alone and you sigh and start moving towards your seat.

You still had 2 hours before landing time but all you could think about was what you can do next.

Bucky didn’t want to talk to you. How in hell were you going to convince him to listen to what you had to say? Once you landed you knew he would run away and you would loose him in the crowds. This was your only chance.

Beg him, romance him, get your man Y/n.

A voice suspiciously sounding exactly like Nat rings in your ears and you sigh, closing your eyes

They can’t throw you out of an air-borne plane. Maybe ban you for life but they can’t throw you out of the plane while in the air. Maybe permanent road travel will be your punishment for what you did to Bucky. 

You keep an eye on the back of his head, waiting for the perfect moment before fate seem to have taken pity on you and the woman besides him stands up to use the rest room.

Perfect

You discreetly stand up and quickly make your way towards his seat and try to get in when the man on the corner seat interrupts

“Excuse me, you can’t come here” he starts to say and clicks the button to call the stewardess but this is your only chance and so you take a deep breath, keeping your eyes on Bucky’s ocean blues that always calm you. Ocean blues that are narrowed right in this moment.

“I love you” You say and ignore the commotion that has inevitably started “I love you. And I made a mistake. The biggest one of my life”

A single tear falls down your left eye followed by one from the right as you continue

“Please forgive me. Please. I love you”

The stewardess has made her way towards you and is trying to pull you away from Bucky who looks at you with utter pain in his eyes but says nothing

“I promise I won’t ask you to go to Nat” You try to rush the words out, ignoring the people and the air hostess warning you of consequences “I just wanna talk please just one conversation and I would leave”

He shakes his head and looks out of the window as you are pulled away

“I did think about you when you were gone. I did attend all your track events just secretly” you say, one last attempt to get a reaction and when he whips his head to look your way, you know you were successful

“I have been an idiot and I am responsible for every pain that you are going through. I am responsible for all this and I take the responsibility but please, please give me a chance. Please forgive me. Talk to me”

You realize every eyes are on you as the stewardess have stopped trying to pull you away as tears fall down Bucky’s eyes.

“James Buchanan Barnes” You inhale, carefully stepping closer to him “I love you, I love you more than Tom loved Jerry, more than-than- I’m sorry I just- I can’t remember any lovers, just a second”

You hold up your finger in panic and see a hint of a smile at the corner of Bucky’s lips that is quick to go away as he sternly stares back at you.

“Romeo and Juliet” a young girl whispers in your ear from behind you and You thankfully nod your head

“Yes! i love you more than Romeo loved Juliet, and even though those two never got a forever, maybe we could. Maybe we could have our finite infinity together. Because I can’t do this without you. Because since we were kids I have felt this pull too, this attraction that gave me sleepless nights”

“How do I know you won’t run away the first chance you get?” he asks harshly and you move closer, getting in the row and seating yourself on the empty seat besides him, the man at the corner moving away to give you space to get in

“I don’t know” you say, trying to stop the sobs that try to break free. Your face is caked with tears and Bucky brings his hand closer to your faces and wipes those tears with the sleeve of his shirt

“Y/n” he exhales your name in his deep hoarse voice and places his hand on your cheek “Why are you doing this?”

You close your eyes as a tear falls down Bucky’s cheek. You’ve only ever seen him cry all of three times since the day you guys met. What did you do to him?

“I love you James. I want you. I’m so so sorry” you whisper, bringing you hand to his cheek and wiping away the tear. He gives in to your touch and closes his eyes

“You’re not gonna ask me to get back with Nat?”

A sob breaks through your mouth and you shake your head “No”

“How can I trust you?” His deep blues now stare at you and you try not to blink as several more tears start forming in your eyes. “How do I know you won’t run away the first chance you get. How do I know you won’t break my heart again?”

“I don’t know” You cry and he shakes his head “What do I do? How do I make you believe me?”

“I don’t know” he sighs and takes a deep breath, pulling harshly at his hair “God Y/n what are you doing to me?”

His voice is frustrated and you wanna tell him that that’s exactly what you’ve been thinking. What the hell were you doing?

“I was sure about my decision about leaving and starting over and I’m leaving you to be with Sam. He is perfect for you. He likes to read books, and he watches the same boring shows and the same boring documentaries with you and he hasn’t spent his entire childhood in a rivalry with you. He is perfect for you”

“But I want you” You whisper and he closes his eyes

“God, I so wanna believe you right now” he whispers in pain

“Then believe me. I love you. Marry me”

“I-I can’t just-” he shakes his head and takes hold of your shoulders “Why? Why now”

“I talked to Nat”

“And she said it was okay?”

You nod your head as he shakes his

“So you’re not here because of your own self?”

“What, no James of course I am”

He shakes his head

“You are here because Nat told you it was fine. Not because you were ready to be here for me no matter what”

“James thats-”

“Y/n please just” he turns away from you and looks out his window “Just go home and leave me be”

“James” you whisper “I can’t I love you”

He sighs and growls in irritation

“What if Nat comes to you tomorrow and says she changed her mind?”

“What-”

“What if she tells you she loves me and she wants me? what would you do?”

“I-I” you shake your head “She won’t do that”

“I don’t care what she would or would not do. Just freaking tell me what you would do?”

“I-I” you stutter, trying to think of what to say before he nods his head

“I have my answer, you can leave” he turns away

“James”

“I can’t do this Y/n” he groans “I can’t be with you because every second I would be afraid that you would leave me the moment you get the chance”

“I won’t-”

“I can’t possibly know that”

“I’m telling you that. I won’t leave ever ever again”

“Y/n, my love. Our love was never strong enough if all it took was the fear that Nat would hate you to leave me. If it really was that strong then you would have told her about us and convinced her to accept it”

“James” he places his finger on your lips

“I love you” he whispers as fresh tears start to form in his eyes “I love you with everything I have my love but you don’t. These past two months made me realize if it was that easy for you to let me go while I kept fighting that maybe your feelings were never strong enough. I can’t live with the fear that you would just leave me again because you don’t love me enough”

You openly cry as he touches your cheek one last time before closing his eyes and leaning his head against the window.

You turn to look around and find the eyes of every single passenger on you guys. The stewardess have started to wheel their food trolley but their eyes are on you too as they look at you with pity

So now they all know how big you screwed up too then?

You take a deep breath, looking towards your seat where the lady previously sitting besides Bucky sits. You decide to apologize to her and maybe to every passenger on the plane and get to stand.

This was over. Your love was over. You just lost one of the best things that happened to you because of your stupidity. You ruined everything.

Don’t let your love get away Y/n

You turn to look his way one last time and that is enough for your heart. For it decides this wasn’t it. He said he loved you right? Then you need to prove to him that you do to.

“Is anyone ordained here?”

You look around at the passengers of the flight as Bucky’s head whips you look your way

“Y/n, what are you-”

“Proving to you how serious I am about this” You say resolutely and then look around the flight again “Is anyone ordained here?”

A young girl, seemingly in her late twenties raises her hand, wincing slightly

“I got ordained to marry my friends”

“Oh great” you clap your hands together as Bucky looks at you open mouthed “Will you be willing to Marry us if this Man answers my question”

She hesitantly nods her head before giving you a small smile

“Y/n what the hell? What question?”

“James Buchanan Barnes, ever since I met you for the first time when you spilled that stupid orange soda down my favorite dress, I have hated your guts. I have hated them more when despite your stupid teasing,I still found myself attending your games secretly because I was supposed to hate you. 

I hated you when I missed you terribly and spent sleepless nights worrying about if you were safe in Afghanistan. I hated this invisible string that was pulling me to you. 

And I made the biggest mistake of my life and I’m sorry. Maybe I would never be able to make up for what I did to you, the pain I caused but please please give me a chance. 

I know I have never shown you but my love is not weak. Its strong enough for me get run over here just to get you back. For me to propose to you in the air and wanting nothing more than to be yours. 

So please please give me a chance and Marry me”

You take a deep breath as you pull out a candy from your pocket and Bucky stares at it wide eyed.

"I don’t have a ring currently but please accept this candy as a token of my love” you whisper and he keeps staring at the candy “This is me telling you that even though I don’t need you like oxygen, I want you and I choose you”

Bucky closes his eyes as a single tear falls down one of his eyes. He shakes his head before opening his eyes and aiming the deep blue into yours. They shine as his lips take up a hint of a curve

“This is a forever thing Y/n” he says from his seat “You can’t back out, I won’t be able to handle it”

“Never in my wildest dreams will I back out” you whisper and bring the candy in front of his face.

He stares at it for a second before smiling and taking it from your hand and putting it in his mouth, sliding the wrapper in his pocket.

Rounds of applause fill up the plane as Bucky bites the things in his mouth, breaking it into pieces and then taking your lips in his, effectively sharing.

You laugh as he whispers yes against your mouth again and again.

————-

We could leave the Christmas lights up ‘til January

This is our place, we make the rules

You rest your head against Bucky’s shoulder as he holds your hand, the his other arm gently guiding your body along with the music.

The windows are tinted with the early January snow in your suburban New York city home. The little droplets of snow shine with the ferry lights that adorn the windows from the outside.

And there’s a dazzling haze, a mysterious way about you, dear

Have I known you twenty seconds or twenty years?

The little wall behind your back, directly in Bucky’s line of site is bejeweled with memories of your time together.

The little Y/n riding her bike without training wheels for the first time with Nat, Steve and a grumpy Bucky posing for the camera in the background.

The young Bucky in his ninja spy costume with his arms around Steve’s shoulder who himself is dressed in his Captain America costume. Nat stands besides Steve with a toothy grin, showing off her rabbit teeth and her Black Widow costume, with you beside her, waving shyly at the camera with a smile, proudly showing off your Witch attire.

A candid of Bucky and you around the age of eleven, eating your pieces of cakes at Steve’s birthday party, sitting on the opposite corners of the couch.

A picture of you from when you were dressed as a tree, holding branches in both your hands.

A picture of Bucky before his Trek meet.

A picture of you in the driver’s seat of your mother’s car as Nat sat on the passenger seat, trying to teach you how to drive, taken from the outside by Bucky who had refused to come anywhere near the car you were driving.

A picture of Bucky in his uniform with his mother, sister and all of you along with Steve’s Mom as you bid the two of them goodbye with pearls in your eyes that you had denied having when Bucky had teased you. All of you seeing Bucky and Steve off as they leave for service in the army. 

A picture of you and Nat in your dorm room, with Nat pointing at the mess that was your side.

One of Bucky smiling for the camera as Steve clicks the first picture since he was discharged from the hospital after his arm injury. Nat and you standing to the side and watching him.

A picture of you and Bucky with his lips on your cheek as you smile for the camera, the Ferris wheel in your background. Taken by the old woman who offered to click your picture.

A selfie taken by Bucky as he sits on the edge of the bed, with you making faces from behind.

A picture taken by one of the fellow passengers on the airplane of your impromptu wedding. You two sitting on your seats, holding each other’s hands and maintaining eye contact as the girl marries you, standing behind your seats.

Another one from the Chicago Marriage Registration office, taken just after you made it official.

One from the reception of your wedding you had to have after Bucky’s mother freaked about not having gotten to see her son get married. And also because you both wanted to show each other off. And because Bucky wanted to see you in a dress as you walked down the aisle to him. And because you wanted to see him standing there waiting for you.

A picture of your honeymoon on Hawaii as you sat on the sand, your back against his bare chest and his legs opening to fit you in against him and his arms around your body, fingers playing with the strings of your bikini.

Another of the two of you bathed in sweat and breathing heavily while lying against the wall that read the top of the empire state building.

One of you hugging Steve from the side as the two of you look at the young boy in his arms, both with traces of salty streams down your cheeks, Peggy sleeping in her hospital bed in the background.

One of the two of you sitting down on the floor, leaning against the several boxes, completely exhausted on moving day.

A picture of Bucky sitting on your office desk, proudly showing your name stand to the camera.

And another of Bucky with tears streaming down his eyes as he shows Steve the ultra sound picture of your little girl.

One of Nat protectively holding your stomach and pushing Bucky away as he frowns at her, you laughing heartily.

One of your heavily pregnant self standing beside Nat in her wedding dress with you in your maid of honor dress, Bucky holding little Grant Rogers in his arms on your other side as Steve and Peggy stand besides Sam in his Groom outfit.

An empty frame waiting for the birth of you little princess to house the first family photo.

Can I go where you go?

Can we always be this close forever and ever?

And ah, take me out, and take me home

You’re my, my, my, my lover

A calendar is sitting on the kitchen counter behind you, a little heart on the date just 2 days from now when your little girl is due to join you.

Bucky slowly twirls you, staying mindful of your bump as he brings you back in his arms before carefully bending you just a little and placing a soft kiss against your lips before gently placing his hands on either side of your stomach and bending down to place a kiss right there as you smile and hum with the song playing in the background.

Life was good.

THE END


End file.
